The Transfigured Lady, draft: Chapter 4

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Feb '11

Protected: The Transfigured Lady, draft: Chapter 4

This entry is part 4 of 32 in the series The Transfigured Lady draft

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Rebekah

I’m captivated! It’s really shaping into something I hate to stop reading.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Oh good! I’m very glad to hear it.

Donna

Really enjoyed reading these chapters. Intriguing concepts and characters that have held my interest.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you!

breadburner

Very good, Atkins shows cunning and intelligence. He recognizes Watkins sense of honor, his lack of interest in sponging off a friend. This gives him more depth than the dilettante he first appeared to be. Along with his recognition that the industrial changes being make will effect his fathers business.

Atkins reaction is about right, someone using his workspace without permission. I know I’m pretty territorial about mine.

It’s interesting to know that there is a actual physical change in the body and a passing powder isn’t a glamor.

Hmm. . . Is Atkins reaction from interest in “Ms. Fairchild” or his sense of honor that pulverstry shouldn’t be used in a harmful way.

It’s progressing well. i look forward to more.

After a second read . . .

Please forgive my impertinence, as I’m not a writer. I wonder at the opening line.
“the tall ceilings of the Maxwell House’s dining room absorbed the conversation of its patrons . . .”
The tall ceiling of the dining room at Maxwell House . . .
The tall ceiling of the dining room in Maxwell House . . .
Let me know and I’ll give myself a head slap for my impertinence.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you this is very helpful!

Please forgive my impertinence, as I’m not a writer. I wonder at the opening line.

No need to worry about being impertinent. You’re right that the first line is awkward, but I’m not fretting. These are raw drafts and most of the sentence level issues will work out when I read this aloud.

http://duckwarlock.blogspot.com/ Brent Longstaff

I just read the four chapters last night; the book is great so far! Pulverstry is very cool, and the characters and story are great. It’s really cool to read it as you write it, although the downside is that I had to stop reading when I ran out of chapters.

I volunteer my name for tuckerization, although according to http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=brent+in+1907 (a useful site for checking the popularity of period names) mine wasn’t in use back then. My middle name is Aleksander, and with an “x” it was the 92nd most popular name at the time (less common than today though).

Thanks for sharing; I’m looking forward to the rest of the chapters!

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you, Brent. You are now the frontdesk manager of the hotel where Cora is staying.

http://www.juliarios.com Julia Rios

Ooh, I get back from Boskone and there’s a new chapter! Yay! I like Atkin more, though I am still wary of what he wants from Walker, and of what would happen if he found out Cora was passing. I didn’t have any trouble with the opening sentence, and I did quite like the descriptions of the after-theatre crowd and Walker’s sack suit and stained cuff. Also, the bit about Peter Pan was delightful. Of course in this world the fairy dust was real! But even better that SFX snobs think it was super cheap and gimmicky. Hee!

I worry about the potential for something bad to happen with petals being thrown at Cora. If multiple people will have the opportunity to throw things on her in public, and one of them has something against her, it could be bad. But maybe this is overthinking. At least per the end scene, whatever’s in the lifting powder won’t counteract her passing if Walker’s made it.

I’m very glad that Walker is more concerned about her health than her skin tone. I wonder if he’s still into her. Really loved seeing how the powder works and was glad to have a clear indication of where/how it’s applied (not internally, then).

Walker’s negro/chink/wop line reminds me of a question I had in an earlier chapter and forgot to mention. Chapter 1 starts with Cora seeing a Negro man working int he green room, but then later she notices Rollins and thinks of him as black, and of herself as black. Would she have done? Or would she have thought of them as Negro? Or Colored? I’m honestly not sure of the answer, and cursory web searches haven’t given me any solid ideas. You probably have a better handle on it than I do, but it seems like the kind of thing that one should be very careful to get right if possible, so I’m bringing it up anyway.

And then we get to the bit where I got stuck. I like that Walker cares about the health of other humans, and I like that the stakes are getting higher in this (this poison is not pretty!), but I am having trouble with the dialogue.

Particularly:

Miss Fairchild glared at his hand. “You were nicer to me when you thought I was white.”

He jerked back but didn’t let go. “I was nicer to you when I thought you weren’t killing yourself.”

This seems like such a major discovery, fraught with tension and uncertainty that she wouldn’t have that reaction. I mean, wouldn’t she take it for granted that of course he was nicer to her when he thought she was white? It’s snappy banter, but it didn’t ring true to character for me. At that point, in Cora’s place, I’d be worried about how best to protect myself and get the hell out without being arrested or whatever. Quite possibly still denying that the powder was for me at all. I like the main things that come out of this scene, but I can’t quite believe the way they unfold at present.

Meanwhile, I am still totally hooked on the story and wish I could read more immediately.

Oh, and I’m afraid my last name isn’t very good for the time and place, alas. My middle name is Fairchild, which presents a different problem…

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you, Julia!

Actually your name works fine in vaudeville.

Laura C

Lol. Peter Pan! Sprinkling onstage! Is that where you got the idea from, out of curiosity?

“what if I made that sort of theme and” = “what if I made that a sort of theme”

“tossing the petals I’d wouldn’t have to worry” = “tossing the petals I wouldn’t have to worry”

Hehehe, Walker interrupted a spiel.

Hmmmm. I wonder how desperate Atkin is for Walker to work for him? So far all we’ve heard is talk. The friendship is there and it’s real, so hopefully he won’t stoop to anything else but free meals and persuasion.

-

Aaaah I’ve been holding my breath through this scene! XD Breathe, breathe. (Realized this after she confesses the nature of the compact and he puts 2 & 2 together.)

Oh, Walker’s got a story. Hmmmmm. Interesting, a woman passing in relationships? I wonder what drove her to it. I’d also be interested to meet her in the story sometime! Plot, of course, coming first. (Durn that plot.)

- – -

Very good! We see a lot of foreshadowed items coming together in this chapter, we’re using much of the pulverstry knowledge we gained in previous chapters. I’m still intrigued about what will happen next! You still left us with the tension of what will happen to her friend, though much of the other tension has been released. She seems safe enough to me with Walker on her side, and with Walker’s idea for how to work the flight problem, it looks like his job problems will stabilize.

Have fun in Hawaii!

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

I so love reading these. Really, this is HUGELY helpful.

Peter Ellis

“Peter Pan, that’s the one.”

While I did not doubt you, I had to look up for myself when “Peter Pan” was first staged.

He pointed to the new gas light fixtures on the walls. “Do you know what those represent?”

It can either represent competition, and a threat to your way of life, or it can represent light you can run in your factory which won’t endanger the purity of your formulas. Progress is a two edged sword.

“He was almost at the theater door before Walker realized that he had headed there instead of home. He pulled his watch out of his lower waistcoat pocket and flipped the gunmetal case open. Half-past eleven.”

Gee, I wonder if anyone else will be using his lab?
What story is she going to tell? I would find it hard to believe that she would trust him this early in the book.

“No one couldn’t even get that ingredient anymore so it wasn’t a wonder that he hadn’t recognized the smell. “

I’m not sure if you meant the double negative to be colloquial, but it doesn’t read well.

I like the way this plays out, it is not that she trusts him, he figures out what she is doing.

“Ain’t no law about changing your appearance except for fraud.”

Whether she is committing fraud or not, is an argument that could make several lawyers very rich, but Watkins thinks like a doctor not a lawyer.

“The way I figure it, you got your own reasons and they ain’t none of my business. What I do care about is if it’s safe.”

Here we succinctly declare the character’s motivation.

“The feel of the body reshaping was unnerving at best.”

So it’s not just an illusion. Wow. Thanks for showing us how it works.

The immediate questions are: A) Can she convince Irving to see Walker? B) Once Irving is told that the Arsenic Powder is poisonous, will he stop using it, or keep doing it anyway?

The big question is; While Walker will feel responsible for destroying some of her powder from the compact, and he will want to prevent her from using poisons, will he make her a safe passing powder? Would he tell himself that he isn’t “selling” it? It could ruin his career if he were caught. Where does he draw the line? Does he make passing powder for Irving too?
I am curious how the law against passing powder is written. The Prohibition Act (Amendment XVIII) written only ten years later made the “manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors” illegal. I would be surprised if the law made the selling passing powder illegal, but not the manufacturing.
Peter Ellis

You may use my name for a vaudevillian if you wish

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

You’ve been retconned in as the stage manager.

http://www.catvacuuming.com Brett WR Smith

I continue to adore Atkins, and in my mind he will be played by a southern Rupert Everett. Sensible, practical, self-aware and generous. Seems to be a very good friend. I hope he takes well to Walker’s budding interest in Cora.

‘All the blood had drained from her face.’ I like that, but I can’t put my finger on how to describe the effect. If it weren’t for the powder, this reaction probably wouldn’t be quite as pronounced. In that way, Cora’s mask is very revealing. The idea appeals to me.

‘Hadn’t occurred to me to be honest.’ When I read this first I thought it meant ‘Being honest hadn’t occurred to me.’ but as I read it now, I think he rather meant ‘To be honest, it hadn’t occurred to me.’ Confusing effect of a perfectly legitimate word order, I think.

The tension is back. Cora seems to be feeling it, especially with a white man finding out she’s passing. But at the same time, Walker’s immediate and easy acceptance blunts the edge of it (while also being a credit to his character). I think I’d feel a little better if there was just a little hesitation in him before waving away Cora’s passing as a bit of nothing. It needn’t be much, but just a little speed bump as he goes past the societal norms would do for me.

Onward!

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you, Brett!

http://www.onecobble.com/ Sandra Tayler

In this chapter I was very pleased to see that Cora’s passing will not be a primary source of conflict between your two protagonists. I’m very curious to see what your central source of conflict will be. I’m hoping that the fact of Cora’s passing develops as a complicating plot rather than as the central conflict of the novel.

I’m having a little bit of trouble picturing timing. Jernigan has supposedly been gone from the theater for about 4 hours. Yet Cora had time to meet up with Rollins, buy supplies from a shop (late at night?), and get back to the theater while Jernigan was out.

Small thing: I was at the end of the first paragraph before I was firm in knowing which viewpoint I was in. The problem would be solved for me if the last sentence of that paragraph came first.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thanks, Sandra!

Samantha Henderson

I am liking Atkins despite myself.

I love Walker’s anger and alarm – first at realizing his private working space had been invaded and then the anger that comes with fear. Something that struck me as a bit off was Cora’s seeming passivity when Walker, in his alarm, grabs her by the shoulder and leans close. We know that he’s examining her for damage but I think she would be, at least initially, very alarmed – a white man had discovered she’s a Black woman passing and she’s alone with him in a locked room and has no idea if he’d be violent with her. I also think that Cora, justified or not, would still be angry with him for breaking the compact and I’m not feeling it.
Samantha Henderson

Oh, and if you feel you could use a Henderson about the place, feel free! : )

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

How do you feel about being Big Sam Henderson, medicine showman?

http://ibmiller.livejournal.com Ian Miller

Very nicely handled on both the Atkins and Cora front! I am very impressed at your making it believable that Walker would accept her but still keep the cultural “even though she’s a Negro”. I’m very much looking forward to this relationship developing.

And hope for Robinson…mayhaps…that there’s concern and recognition of the problem is very much a nice element of the chapter.

I must say, your handling of the charity/pride/honor issue between Walker and Atkins strikes me close to home, since I’ve been studying late-Victorian texts which idealize the sort of honor Walker clings to here, and it’s been bothering me. I look forward to seeing where this goes – and hope that Atkins continues to develop into the complicated but very appealing character he makes great strides towards here. (Also appreciate automatic spell-check…would not do to have such obvious errors in comments)

I don’t know if this is weird or not, but I love the description of the powder’s effects – I am a sucker for that kind of technical detail, and you describe it so it’s believable, exciting, cool, and yet not incredibly lazy plot device. The development and tensions of Atkins’ factory is also a great diversification of the way the powders affect the world.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Ian, Thanks for the encouragement about the technobabble. I enjoy it too, but worry that it will bore readers.

Emily

Well, if you’re looking for names, either Emily Gladstone or, even better, my father’s name – Melvin (or Mel) Gladstone (I miss him a lot).

That was a very very abrupt resolution of the tension of “will Walker find out what’s in the powder”? It feels like every chapter has somehow raised the tension level from the one before it. It makes for a gripping, don’t-want-to-stop-reading-it narrative, but it’s also got to ease off soon or I’ll get wound up and have to finish the rest without thinking too much, and these are characters I’d like to linger over.

I *am* also wondering what the central tension of the book will be, since Cora already has the guy who feels like the hero on her side, and he’s not upset with her, and it’s only chapter 4.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thanks, Emily. Knowing where the tension level is for you is very helpful.

E. Catherine Tobler

This chapter surprised me.

1: I like Atkins better at this point for some reason. I trust that friendship more, too.

2: I did not expect Cora to be in Walker’s workshop! That was a great surprise, though, and it feels right for her to do–though I wonder if you can have her give it a little (vague) thought at the end of chapter three (where I said the transition into small talk felt abrupt). Obviously, you probably don’t want to give her entire thought away (Oh hey, I’ll just use Walker’s workshop!), but maybe a little foreshadowing?

I liked Walker’s reaction to learning she was passing, and that he wasn’t concerned about her skin color. Love, too, that we get to see her transform (and I keep meaning to say I really like how your title already ties in), but I’m curious how powder changes the hair–does it actually change the color of her hair (she’s blonde when she’s passing, right?).

I also like the undercurrent of Pulverstry vs. industry going on here.
EC

Amused at the mention of Peter Pan pixie dust.

So relieved that Walker caught Cora before she’d used the arsenic powder. Liking Walker more and more with each chapter.
http://lachristensen.wordpress.com/ Laura C

Reread notes:

I’m still missing that opening scene with Walker actually demonstrating his skills instead of only talking about them with Atkin. I’m sorry for holding on to that scene, seeing as you want it cut. >.>He hadn’t cleaned up when he left and set fire to the lab just like the accident at the Ryman Auditorium last month. No one would hire him ever again.
–Woah, what? He caused an accident? o.o?

This last scene is still intense as ever! I was ensnared and carried along. Good job!
Greta

“But it sometimes took an hour for all the dust to settle in a spin lamp, and he’d been gone for nigh unto four hours so these should have been long dark.”

The first half of the sentence didn’t fit with the second half for me when I read it. Maybe something along the lines of “it took at most an hour” instead? In my mind “it sometimes took an hour” sounds like it should be leading to the light being out too soon, not on too long.
Greta

Oh, and I volunteer my name for tuckerization, if you still need any names! Or Margaret, my full name, as I think that might fit the period better.
Natalie

I like the danger powder can have. I’m now really curious to see what happens between Cora and her friend.
I’m a little late, I know, but if you need any names, I’d love for mine to be in, or my middle name- Natalie or Chantal.

http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal

Thank you, Natalie. In fact, I did just need a name so you are a society lady later in the book.

Natalie

That’s awesome, thanks!

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Protected: The Transfigured Lady, draft: Chapter 4