Things I say

1. I’m moving back to Shimmer land. Screw the gods.
2. Just be sure you aren’t screwing when the actors get there.
3. Can I get a stiffer rod?
4. I can retain his rods if I hold them between my pelvis and his head
5. May I touch your dead animal head?
6. He couldn’t get it up.
7. All I have to do is buy this moosehead and then pick up some KY jelly.
8. I think I can give you a donut but I’ll have to sacrifice a baby bunny
9. Give me a second to wash the blood off my hands
10. All right. Who wants to be tied up?

What it really means

1. I had been painting Greek gods for a show all day and needed to get back to layout
2. Discussing set construction at a theater.
3. The metal rod had too much spring in it for the weight of the puppet’s hand.
4. I kept dropping the arm rods of a puppet that stood waist high.
5. I was moving some taxidermy heads
6. At the end of a long day, a puppeteer was too fatigued to lift his arm, and heavy puppet, over his head.
7. I needed to complete a purchase of a taxidermied moose head on e-bay to be used as set dressing in a show about Teddy Roosevelt. The next item on my to-do list was to pick up KY jelly for another show. It goes in the bottom of ashtrays as a fire safety measure.
8. We needed a donut to appear magically on stage. The only foam that I had that had the right density was part of a baby bunny prop.
9. I was mixing stage blood and had it all over my hands
10. I needed to test a trick rope that had a quick release.

My shopping list this week included: Taxidermy moose head, KY Jelly, 2 lbs feathers, balloons, fishing line
Glock or revolver, and a mousetrap.

I actually said the sentence, “As soon as I buy the moose head, I have to go pick up some KY jelly.”

What’s the strangest combination of things you’ve ever bought?

If you want to have conversations with your neighbors, a good way to do it is to walk down the street with a cart of taxidermy. They might start conversations with such openers as”

“My god!”

“What is it?”

“Are they real?”

“May I touch your dead animal heads?”

I’m doing props for Bully Pulpit, a show about Teddy Roosevelt, who was a big hunter. The whole thing is set in the North Room at Sagamore Hill which was decorated with… yes, taxidermy. I found these heads on Craig’s List and they were only ten blocks from my house. Clearly, I was not going to pass up a chance to interact with my fellow New Yorkers.

One poor woman, who must have been a serious vegan, had a look of absolute horror on her face while her son was totally fascinated. Her husband stopped with their daughter so I could explain about taxidermy and theater. She stood behind them looking like she wanted to throw up.

I’ll bet they have a very interesting conversation when they get home.

Everyone else I passed seemed either completely indifferent or amused.