I have been trying to figure out how to post about this without slaying my mother with mortification. She would no doubt beg me not to, but I think it is hillarious and sorta cries out for sharing.

That said, I’m about to offer you Too Much Information. To make this somewhat more palatable, I will use euphemisms from the 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue as well of placing the rest of the post behind a cut. Be warned, I shall talk about trouble with my “fruitful vine.”

I went to the doctor yesterday. Since we were in Iceland, I’d been having some discomfort off and on while engaged in marital relations, which I initially attributed to the water-mill starting to run dry as my body aged. It seemed early for such things, but everyone is different.

Taking steps to ensure that was not the issue did nothing to aid my commodity. Through experimentation, we eliminated latex, spermicide, and lubricant as possible culprits.

After examining me, the doctor explained that a woman’s cauliflower is normally acidic. Most likely, my ph balance is off. When this occurs, my husband’s arbor vitae, which is alkaline, can cause irritation.

In short: I am allergic to my husband.