Pick a classic to hear in my phone sex voice — for charity

As many of you know, I offered an Act of Whimsy for the fundraiser to help Jay Lake. My offering was to read beloved classics as though they were phone sex. You may make a suggestion in the comments below IF YOU DONATED. Only one suggestion per comment please. List title and authors only, please.

I’ll then use a random number generator to pick one to add to my selection.

If you’re very naughty, I might pick two.

EDITED TO ADD: You guys had great suggestions and I’m going to go ahead and roll the dice so I can record this bit of whimsy. Thank you!

29 Responses

    1. BenjaminJB

      Perhaps just Chapter 94, “A Squeeze of the Hand”: “It was our business to squeeze these lumps back into fluid. A sweet and unctuous duty! no wonder that in old times this sperm was such a favorite cosmetic. Such a clearer! such a sweetener! such a softener! such a delicious mollifier! After having my hands in it for only a few minutes, my fingers felt like eels, and began, as it were, to serpentine and spiralize.”

      Then again, I’m not sure that chapter needs any help.

  1. Jeremy Preacher

    Doyle, “The Final Problem,” mostly for the beginning of the second paragraph. (Or any other suitably homoerotic Holmes stories.)

  2. StaceyHH

    I came here with my own suggestion, then saw Goodnight Moon above and just about choked laughing. So… That.

  3. klmercer

    A Tale of Two Cities. This is about the only way the beginning of that book could POSSIBLY be interesting.

  4. klmercer

    As much as Good Night Moon or The Very Hungry Caterpillar would be hilarious, I have small kids, and if I continually laugh while reading those books I’ll eventually have to explain what’s so funny…

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