http://perspectives.rea-hedrick.com John Rea-Hedrick
(minor spelling error: plural child-bearers in second paragraph)
First impressions…
I like the Lena character. She is honest and vulnerable and I had the sense early on of not being quite certain if Lena would be better off for being chosen. Likely, this is because she’s not certain, which is the point.
As an advocate member on the core team of my company’s LGBT Affinity group (GLEAM), I appreciate that you chose the heroine of your story to be a partner in a same-sex relationship. Her devotion to Phoebe is a statement of what authentic relationship is all about. While I appreciate the insight into Marta’s plight from Lena’s perspective it seemed a bit out of character for Lena to have considered, even for a half a minute, trading places with her. For one thing, you had just described how Lena’s devotion to Phoebe had brought her there so I doubted she would even consider trading that for the wishes of someone else (unless of course you played up her ambiguity a bit more and this might be a moment for her to consider a way out). Secondly, the practice of ignoring the others to uphold the illusion of privacy would like have removed her that much further from her feelings for Marta’s plight.
My only other initial comment is regarding the portion in the third full paragraph where Lena’s recollection of Phoebe’s body makes her long to turn around and run home. First, nicely done! This created a very powerful image both of the sensuality of their love and made Phoebe, whom we had not met, a more “real” character whom I then pictured lying in bed at home, eagerly awaiting the news from Lena that she had been accepted and her dream of a child would come true. However, just a few paragraphs later we find that Phoebe is actually at the front of the crowd watching the proceedings. Unfortunately, this immediately brought back the image I had of Phoebe waiting at home and pulled me out of the story while I mentally attempted to re-place her in the story.
I found some details of her journey a bit hard to follow, but that may have been because I read it too quickly. I’ll read over it again in the next day or so and see if it’s clearer.
I loved the way you ended it. The mental/emotional change Lena undergoes in that final moment and then just after was powerful and quite believable.
That’s it until I read it again.
Thanks again for sharing this and for allowing me to comment!
John Rea-Hedrick
http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com Mary Robinette Kowal
Thanks, John. I’ve made a couple of tweaks based on your responses. Appreciate it.
John Chu
Hi Mary,
“Beyond the Garden Close”, as I read it, centers around Lena. She is part of a generations long mission to reach a habitable planet. Out of love for Phoebe, and only out of love for Phoebe, she vies for a chance to have a child. At the final moment, her own lack of desire for motherhood betrays her. Her request is denied. At that moment, she understands and is filled by desire, but it’s too late.
I loved the world building. The story depicts through subtle, specific details that they are on a generation ship that will, in the distant future, land on a habitable planet. Everything in the story is an outgrowth of this. e.g., the “ship-standard illusion of privacy” that neatly sets up her realization of the the physical impossibility of her challenges. This nearly flash length story implies a vast, interesting culture, but never confuses me even though it is only a glimpse into that culture.
Likewise, Lena is beautifully fleshed out and I love the her relationship with Phoebe. It’s inevitably a little one-sided. The story is only 1800 words long and first person in Lena’s perspective. That doesn’t make it any less clear the love they share for each other though. It’s easy to see in Lena’s every thought and her every action the depths of Lena’s devotion for Phoebe. Lena’s reactions clearly show that she doesn’t understand why anyone would want a child. The simultaneous development of character and plot is awesome.
The plot is nicely structured. Marta’s elimination is a subtle and effective way of increasing the tension. Women only get one chance. The story rightly leaves unsaid that if Lena messes up, she can not do this again. Her trials are well thought out, showing Lena to be intelligent and resourceful. It’s totally plausible that these are the qualities that any panel might check for. I did wonder at the time if they’d want to check if she’d be a good mother, but then the ending hit me. Bravo.
What doesn’t work for me was the science of reproduction. It’s not parthenogenesis since it is possible to produce males. That there are so few males raises more questions than answers. In a society that is so careful about which genetic lines survive to the next generation, why would they deliberately limit the male genetic material they can cross with? It is possible to cross the genetic material of two women, but the result, of course, is a female. That there are men implies that there have been men. As careful as they are to eliminate inferior lines, they’d surely recognize the importance of diversity in both the male and female genetic material. Monoculture species are more vulnerable to extinction than diverse ones. (It’d be ironic if they made it to Planetfall only to be wiped out because everyone was vulnerable to some indigenous plague.)
Without the detail that few males get carried to term, I’d easily imagine for myself that there is a parallel trial for men to vie for the privilege of inseminating the women. This leads to rather interesting social structures which the story need not get into. The question of men, I think, is one that the story shouldn’t get into at all, especially not when it’s this short. If the story never raises the question of men, I will never be puzzled by the science of reproduction.
The ending is powerful. The emotion transition is devastating, but the final words don’t quite parse for me. I may just be too dense to understand them. It won’t be the first time. However, I don’t understand what “This time” refers to. It can’t refer to her maternal urge since there was no “last time.” She can’t be thinking, “I’m going to take the trial again, and this time I will succeed because having a child matters to me now” because she can’t take the trial again. Clearly, there’s something utterly obvious that I’m missing, but I really have no idea.
Also, the ending seems to be all about Lena. It seems to me, though, that the story may be about the relationship between Lena and Phoebe. Their relationship changes by the very act of Lena vying to reproduce. Ultimately, she wants a child because Phoebe does. Her maternal urge arises from her love for Phoebe. If I reading that right, an ending that includes Phoebe then, where we get a hint of how Lena’s failure to conceive affects their relationship may be even more powerful.
None of these, I think, are major changes. The science of reproduction is a subtraction rather than an addition. The ending can be perhaps a little clearer for those of us who are a little slow on the uptake. And, again, I read it as the story how the relationship changes. (Lena actually mentions this at the start, but we don’t see the change at the end.) But that’s just my reading.
The story packs quite a wallop, especially given how short it is. It effectively sets up what I need to know about the world to understand the story while also hinting at the rich, vast world the characters actually live in. Lena’s trials are entertaining to read and sensible in terms of what the panels test for. However, I also like that they are paced quickly and the story gets them out of the way in rather few words. This story is exactly the right length.
Thanks again. I really enjoyed reading it.
John Chu
Forgot to mention, if you don’t mention men at all, I can easily imagine that it’s some sort of parthenogenesis or female-female recombination. Either one of those work just as well and need not be explicated in the story.
http://perspectives.rea-hedrick.com John Rea-Hedrick
You’re welcome!
I like the two changes you made regarding Phoebe and Marta. I’m glad I could help. Incidentally, I’m already making notes for Glamour in Glass.
As promised, I reread this story, even though I didn’t wait a few days. Aside from altering some word choices (yours are great I just often find myself thinking how *I* would write it when I’m not reading strictly for pleasure) the story in its *tweaked* form flows well throughout. Your world-building is subtle yet paints with enough colorful strokes for me to fill in the rest.
Can you share a little about how/why you settled on the title ‘Beyond the Garden Close’?
John Rea-Hedrick
P.S. I’ll keep watching your RSS feed for my next chance to read something new.
Thanks!
http://beadkitsbymail.com Joann Loos
I see it as 3 main characters here — Lena, Phoebe and the culture and mythology of the ship’s crew. The use of the word “babe” instead of baby confused me until I realized your probably using the whole Celtic maiden/crone mythos. But it wasn’t clear at first, and it was jarring. The whole trial seems archaic and fruitless. I assume they have complete records of Lena’s schooling, psych scores and any other useful data, so the trial is just to support the culture of the ship.
Also, Lena seems too passive to be willing to go through the trial, even for love. She’s just biding time, going thru the motions. She says “Phoebe wants a babe” but it’s almost like saying “Phoebe wants a candy bar”. The strong desire in her partner for children is not coming across to me. Lena’s desire for her partner is very clear. But I’m not sure it would be enough to pull her into this.
From the above described traits, the only reason I can imagine Lena would regret her decision and change her mind about it would be because she let Phoebe down. But that doesn’t seem to be the intended thought behind it.
I’m not a writer, so I don’t know the sorts of restrictions caused by the short length. I hope these comments are helpful
Joann
Kristen Behlings
Usage, etc.:
“part of the point, of course,” (added comma)
“high-holy” 1st par; “high holies” 3rd par. Hyphen or no? If it were me, I’d do “High Holy/ies”.
“But Lena, now.” You might consider “But Lena, now: Lena would…” or ; or -
“for sure and certain;” not ,
“Child-bearers” You might consider childbearers.
“as the others received their discs” rather than disc
“if an OCD strain had gotten in unnoticed” IMO leave out “, all”
“‘Aye!’” You might consider “‘I!’” Seems strange to me because the question is “which of you is __” and the answer is “yes”
“and as uniform as dancers” or “and like dancers” or such like instead of as
“whose mothers had chosen to bring them to term” not mother’s
“Palms slapped” – whose?
“Between one handhold” – no space between hand & hold
“four of the other girls behind her” – don’t need stood
“scores are very good, though” if it were me, I’d add that ,
I like the story very much. Immediately intriguing. All visuals sprang cleanly to mind. Love the Edwardian names as contrast. Wished it were a novel rather than a SS.
Lena does seem to hesitate quite a lot, which makes it easy to predict the ending. An outcome involving a successful mother who didn’t want to be one seems depressing, and would require a twist similar to the current outcome: in order for it to satisfy readers (like me), she’d need to truly want the child.
“babe” didn’t confuse me.
IMO no additional relationship stuff needed at end.
Re comment that sympathy for Marta plus ignoring competitors don’t mesh, I did think at first that everyone aboard must be autonomous, but then realized perhaps privacy is only for the competition. A new world order demanding nurturing instincts must also include community, mustn’t it? Hmm…
If my comments are confusing let me know. Enjoyable read and fun exercise!
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