Things I say

1. I’m moving back to Shimmer land. Screw the gods.
2. Just be sure you aren’t screwing when the actors get there.
3. Can I get a stiffer rod?
4. I can retain his rods if I hold them between my pelvis and his head
5. May I touch your dead animal head?
6. He couldn’t get it up.
7. All I have to do is buy this moosehead and then pick up some KY jelly.
8. I think I can give you a donut but I’ll have to sacrifice a baby bunny
9. Give me a second to wash the blood off my hands
10. All right. Who wants to be tied up?

What it really means

1. I had been painting Greek gods for a show all day and needed to get back to layout
2. Discussing set construction at a theater.
3. The metal rod had too much spring in it for the weight of the puppet’s hand.
4. I kept dropping the arm rods of a puppet that stood waist high.
5. I was moving some taxidermy heads
6. At the end of a long day, a puppeteer was too fatigued to lift his arm, and heavy puppet, over his head.
7. I needed to complete a purchase of a taxidermied moose head on e-bay to be used as set dressing in a show about Teddy Roosevelt. The next item on my to-do list was to pick up KY jelly for another show. It goes in the bottom of ashtrays as a fire safety measure.
8. We needed a donut to appear magically on stage. The only foam that I had that had the right density was part of a baby bunny prop.
9. I was mixing stage blood and had it all over my hands
10. I needed to test a trick rope that had a quick release.

Swing by PodCastle and listen to me read Goosegirl by Margaret Ronald.

“You came with the Princess Alia, didn’t you?” says a tall man with an understeward’s chain. “They must have low standards up north if you’re the sort of thing she brings along.”

I shake my head; the world slides in and out of focus. “I didn’t come here for that. I’m not — help.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Oh, so you’re not with the help? You must be one of the nobility, then?” He tweaks my skirts, and a ragged hem tears. “So what did you come here for, if you’re not with the princess?”

The words sound wrong even as I think them, but I say them nonetheless. “To be married.”

He bursts out laughing. “Poor girl,” a woman at the back of the servants’ hall says. “She’s simple. Can’t tell between herself and the princess.”

Rated PG. Contains sorcery, blood, and theft of memory.